I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Life is so much better after having sex.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
