My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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