No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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