i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
