Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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