I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
