I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
