girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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