tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
