Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
