When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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