Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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