Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
