if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
