I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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