She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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