We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I will pee on everything he values.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
