It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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