This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
