You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
