Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You smell like stripper and shame
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
