Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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