her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
