apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
