Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
