my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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