if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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