i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
