My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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