Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
