im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
