so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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