I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
