The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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