I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
