the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I am one with the molecules
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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