At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
