I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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