So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
