the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
