I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
