lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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