How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
