Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
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