My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
