hotel room ftw
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
