Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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