You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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