You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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