Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
