i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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