WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
