wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
